Veterans and Plastic Men
by missmorganpryce
Summary: Spike tells Xander and Anya some old war stories.


Spike kicked open the door and walked into the apartment. It was a perfectly lousy day outside, all bright and sunny, and he was feeling right-on depressed.  
  
He poked his head around the corner and checked out the situation. Perfect, the bloke was out. He went back to the door and hauled in the six pack of beer he had left outside. Then he headed over to the TV and hoping that he was in time for Passions, he leaned back in his chair and popped open a beer.  
  
But Passions had been canceled for some stupid war in Iraq update, and Spike was supremely pissed.  
  
"Bloody war, canceling my program. Not like this is the first war they've seen, they have to have it on the bloody TV twenty-four seven?" he muttered to the empty apartment.  
  
Or not so empty. Spike heard a muffled bang from Xander's bedroom and a giggle. He considered what those sounds could mean, then decided to go attempt to embarrass Xander. He flung open the door to see... Xander and Anya on the floor surrounded by little green things?  
  
Spike was pleased to see Xander's face slowly yet surely turn that lovely shade of red.  
  
"What are you doing here now?" hissed Xander.  
  
"I live here too," smirked Spike.  
  
"You're not supposed to be here! You said you had a thing, till seven!"  
  
"Yeah, mate, I had," Spike mimed quotation marks with his fingers, "my thing. Now I'm done, and I honestly thought you were making out with somebody, but here you are playing with little men. Not even little women?"  
  
"These are Xander's army men from when he was a kid," Anya earnestly informed him. "And he's showing them to me. It's sort of fun, actually. He's been teaching me professional things army guys say, like these generals, they have to say to the men to point their guns and, 'aim towards the enemy' cuz some of them are stupid and shoot the wrong people!"  
  
"What people will do to relieve stress," Spike said bemusedly.  
  
"An, that's called friendly fire. They didn't do it on purpose," said Xander. He shot a sour look at Spike. "Now I guess you're going to burst in the middle of some important meeting and go 'hey, did you know Xander still plays with toys?' Yeah?"  
  
"Well..." said Spike, "I really should. Always good to have something to hold over someone's head."  
  
"But," said Xander suddenly, "I just remembered something that you wouldn't want Buffy to know about."  
  
"You do? What?"  
  
"He's not telling you," said Anya. "That would defeat the purpose."  
  
"I don't believe you," said Spike.  
  
"That night two weeks ago at the Bronze. I saw you," Xander said, smirking.  
  
Spike was silent. Well, the tables had turned. "Ok, fine," he said grudgingly. "I won't mention this to anyone."  
  
"Good, now get out," ordered Xander.  
  
"I may not mention this to anyone, but I reserve the right to watch."  
  
"No."  
  
"Oh, but wait, I get it," said Spike. He grabbed one of the men and played with the gun in his hand. "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend," he said solemnly.  
  
Anya considered that statement for a second before smiling broadly.  
  
"Another one," she begged. "Yours are better than Xander's."  
  
Spike kicked over a couple of men.  
  
"Um, five-second fuses only last three seconds. If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him..." Spike stopped talking. "That actually happened to me once," he said slowly.  
  
"Really?" said Anya. "Which war? I was in a lot of wars, but they didn't have real bombs and stuff those days." Xander shot her a weird look. "Xander, I'm way older than you, I'm even older than Spike. Quit it."  
  
"World War One, I think. I was in Europe, in France, don't quite remember where. Dru and I were taking a bit of a stroll in the forest, very nice and romantic, when all of a sudden, a guy in a uniform comes tearing out of the woods like he's got the whole German army running after him. About two seconds later there was a huge blast. Guess he must have set that bomb. So it does pay to follow that saying," concluded Spike.  
  
Anya sat wide-eyed and Xander was interested despite his air of indifference.  
  
"Wow," said Anya. "Tell me another story, Spike."  
  
Spike glanced at Xander. "Still eager for me to go, Harris?"  
  
"Ok, I admit it, it's interesting."  
  
"Weren't you in the army or something once?"  
  
"There was a spell that made me into an army guy, that's all.""So this is one war veteran to another, and a bunch of little plastic guys? Really more alike than you know, eh?"

Spike perched on the edge of the bed.  
  
"Hmm, which war veteran story next? I was in Russia during some revolution, but they have those all the time, nothing special. China during the Boxer Rebellion? Oh, yeah, I shouldn't be telling that story on this side of town," mused Spike.  
  
"Anything recent, like World War Twoish?" asked Xander.  
  
"World War Two," repeated Spike. "Now that was interesting. Was way under the ocean in a submarine, surrounded by dead Nazis and Americans alike. And of course, our favorite poof, Angel."  
  
"He was there too? Did he have a soul then?" asked Xander.  
  
"He did, but I didn't know about it. Should've guessed something wasn't right when he wouldn't let me kill the leftover crew."  
  
"How did you get into a submarine?" asked Anya.  
  
"They kidnapped me. Never trust anyone when they say they're having a free virgin blood party. It's just a setup. The Nazis kidnapped me and dragged me onto this submarine, where of course, I massacred most of the crew. Then some Americans showed up, and so did Angel, who I think they hired. They were supposed to get the submarine to the surface and turn it over to their bosses."  
  
"Did it work?" Anya asked.  
  
"Of course it worked, I'm here, aren't I? It was mostly due to my ingenious ideas and amazing tactics, they barely did anything except drive," said Spike.  
  
"Uh huh," said Xander.  
  
"Really, ask Angel- well, don't ask him, he'll be too embarrassed to tell you that I saved the day," said Spike. They'd never ask him, so his version of the story was safe.  
  
Anya started moving around the little men again.  
  
"Let's get back to our war, Xander. You can be the Nazis and I'll be the Americans with the power of the American dollar," Anya told him. She picked up one of the plastic men and scrutinized him. "How old are these? Would they be worth anything online?"  
  
"Is there anything you won't sell, An?" asked Xander.  
  
"Nope, I don't discriminate, I'll sell anything. Money is your greatest ally, in a war or not. The Russians and the French may come and go, but money is forever," she said. "Now, Xander, pay attention, half of your army is dead."  
  
Spike watched them play for a few seconds. It did look sort of fun and Passions wasn't on.  
  
"Oh, bloody hell," he grumped as he plopped himself down next to Anya. "Give me some men."  
  
Anya smiled and passed him some of her soldiers.  
  
"You going to hold this over my head, Harris?" interrupted Spike.  
  
Xander considered it. "Maybe just this once, I'll be nice. No one ever hears about this, no one."  
  
"Deal," said Spike.  
  
"There are rules," Anya told him. "You have to be sneaky and everyone has to be addressed by their rank..."  
  
Challenge:  
- I really loved the military challenge I hhad up last time, but no one answered it. So, modified military challenge! Someone has got to have those little plastic green Army men and be caught playing with them. It must be at an extremely embarassing time and in a place where the person playing with them had expected complete privacy.  
- Xander must be involved in some way.  
- Use any one of these actual military quottes. Bonus points if you use more than one. Explanation of where or who it was came from is in ( ) next to the quote; you don't have to use that information, just the quote.  
"Aim towards the Enemy." (Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher)  
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." (U.S. Army)  
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." (Infantry Journal)  
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." (Infantry Journal)  
"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." (Infantry Journal)  
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." (Your Buddies)  
"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." (U.S. Ammo Troop)


End file.
